#1: The Crab
“A’h'm just’a goin’ to the nut store. Oh wait. Nuts are fatty. Right? I never know. They say avocadoes are fatty, that’s why I just stopped eating fruit. Did you know avocadoes are fruit? What the fuck, right? What the fucking fuck. Mmm, if I don’t want nuts, what else is healthy….Diet Coke? Diet Coke. Diet Coke isn’t this way though. It might be that way. Or is it? No. Maybe up. Lucky there are seventeen floors in this mall, and plenty, plenty of square metres for me to start, and stop, and start, and walk walk walk, and then stop, and then walk REALLY REALLY fast and then suddenly, without notice, STOP! STOP STOP STOP, so that the people behind me halt in their tracks, so that they further wear in their already crap shoes, because they can’t afford to buy new ballet slippers every month, especially since Tree of Life stopped stocking them, because they were really cheap in Tree of Life, goddamn. Oooh. A PUPPY!”
#2: Very, very important
“I am very, very important. While you loser bourgeoisie scum amble around like fucking newborn sloths, I have places to go. I have to go to JB Hi Fi and scoff at what they put in the ‘Alternative’ section. I also have to find the $2 shop to get cheap jewellery which other people will comment on and I’ll tell them how cheap it was and how you “really don’t need to spend to look good”, and they will love me for it, because I look good. I look GOOD. I look fucking good, better than you, in your tailored clothes and your leather handbags. I wish I was rich. I’m really happy.”
#3: I’m Old
“Do you know how old I am? Get out of my fucking way. I deserve to be here, to traipse the hallways of this haunted house of doom, to comment loudly on ugly babies and black people, and not to buy anything. I DESERVE THIS, BECAUSE I AM OLD AND FUCK YOU, NOW I WANT A SMOOTHIE; $4.00 FOR A SMOOTHIE, WHAT IS THIS, BUSHWEEK? LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE SKIN.”
