The Mad World

#1: The Crab

“A’h'm just’a goin’ to the nut store. Oh wait. Nuts are fatty. Right? I never know. They say avocadoes are fatty, that’s why I just stopped eating fruit. Did you know avocadoes are fruit? What the fuck, right? What the fucking fuck. Mmm, if I don’t want nuts, what else is healthy….Diet Coke? Diet Coke. Diet Coke isn’t this way though. It might be that way. Or is it? No. Maybe up. Lucky there are seventeen floors in this mall, and plenty, plenty of square metres for me to start, and stop, and start, and walk walk walk, and then stop, and then walk REALLY REALLY fast and then suddenly, without notice, STOP! STOP STOP STOP, so that the people behind me halt in their tracks, so that they further wear in their already crap shoes, because they can’t afford to buy new ballet slippers every month, especially since Tree of Life stopped stocking them, because they were really cheap in Tree of Life, goddamn. Oooh. A PUPPY!”

 #2: Very, very important

“I am very, very important. While you loser bourgeoisie scum amble around like fucking newborn sloths, I have places to go. I have to go to JB Hi Fi and scoff at what they put in the ‘Alternative’ section. I also have to find the $2 shop to get cheap jewellery which other people will comment on and I’ll tell them how cheap it was and how you “really don’t need to spend to look good”, and they will love me for it, because I look good. I look GOOD. I look fucking good, better than you, in your tailored clothes and your leather handbags. I wish I was rich. I’m really happy.”

#3: I’m Old

“Do you know how old I am? Get out of my fucking way. I deserve to be here, to traipse the hallways of this haunted house of doom, to comment loudly on ugly babies and black people, and not to buy anything. I DESERVE THIS, BECAUSE I AM OLD AND FUCK YOU, NOW I WANT A SMOOTHIE; $4.00 FOR A SMOOTHIE, WHAT IS THIS, BUSHWEEK? LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE SKIN.”

There are the mothers who leave their child alone to fend for himself, to navigate the inanities of Westfield auto-flush. Out he comes, clutching a pair of elasticised pants in a clammy hand, waiting for Mummy, who is still busy fishing around in her handbag for a fresh pantyliner.

There are the mothers who wait outside, humming show tunes and glaring at me.

There are the mothers who go inside with Lil Jimmy, and watch him do his thang, talk to him about how to position himself, wipe down the toilet seat, and then smile guiltily at the next person going into the cubicle.

This is Part 1 of why I hate Westfield. More, more, plenty more to come.

I love the way old people show joy. Especially really old people, decrepit old, ones who don’t really have any muscle tissue left, just flapping sheets of skin hanging off their face.

They are utterly lacking in self-consciousness; their mouth leers into a jack-o-lantern of pleasure, they grin at passersby and make me feel like I have friends.

And then they will comment, without being previously engaged into conversation, on whatever is making them so happy:

Examples:

1. “OOH! Youth congregating in a park!”

2. “A wedding! I was married once!”

3. “Salad!”

Thank you old people, don’t ever stop. Well unless you die…which you will…pretty soon.

Awkward.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

Tears for Fears

Wow. Uh. Intense. I think I may have brought some people in, but not the right people.

Welcome to The Mad World. This is not an Emo Wonderland, though I really wonder what that would be like.

It is not even somewhere where I complain about shit. Well, not all the time.

It is, rather, a place where I tease out the craziness and inanities of the world in which I live, and the things that make me laugh, rage or think. But mainly laugh. In the upcoming weeks, I would like to discuss some of the following:

- old people

- shaggy dogs

- working with children

- celebrities

- humourless people and trendies

- emo wonderlands

I hope you enjoy yourself, traipsing round the inner workings of my brain, leaving scuff marks and letting your dog crap everywhere. Damn Rover.